Judging myself

I stopped nursing my baby and stopped homeschooling my son...the hippie inside of me just died a little.

I stopped nursing my 8 month old.

Reality: My 8 month started biting me! I'm talking blood people! So I attempted to pump instead of nurse, only to discover the sad truth that my milk supply was diminishing, which explains the biting...she probably thought "I probably just need to chew this to get more!" I tried my best, I ate a well balanced diet, drank tons of water, drank my Mother's Milk Tea, and yet my body just stopped producing milk.

Mom Brain: I'm a horrible person, If I was a better mom or a stronger person I would have been able to produce enough milk to feed a village and my baby would never have to survive on the nasty excuse for food known as formula. I'm failing. My heart and body are broken and I wasn't ready for this awful reality that I can no longer provide for my perfect little girl.

Reality: I truly did do my best, I'm proud of how long I was able to nurse, I stuck with it and my baby got the best start to life I could have possibly provided for her. She is healthy and happy and everyone I talk to agrees, I did everything I could have done, it's just time to be done. Formula is what she needs, unless I want to hire a wet nurse (and don't think I didn't actually consider the option!) , this is what is best for her now and there is no shame. It's normal to feel sad when you stop nursing a baby, you want that tiny person to stay tiny forever, and the fact that they don't never gets any easier. Because, well, you're a mom. You're hardwired to give everything you have to give to these tiny, helpless creatures we have named "children".

Mom Brain: Everyone is judging me. Everyone will think I've chosen this path. They will all assume they know me and my struggles and label me as weak or lazy. I will have to explain my situation every time someone brings it up because I'm vain and insecure and can't stand the thought of someone thinking unkind, and untrue things about me. 

Reality: This is between my baby and I. Others can think what they want and say what they will. But this whole thing is between my 8 month old and I. I had a heart to heart with her.  She stared at me as she sucked down a bottle filling her belly to the max for probably the first time in weeks; I told her the truth. I told her I loved her and that I tried my best. I told her I was so sad I couldn't nurse her anymore but that I was still perfectly capable of providing for her and that she would never starve. She listened, and stared with her all knowing, wise, beautiful eyes, twirled my hair in her tiny fingers, and forgave me. 

Mom Brain: My daughter is perfect.

Reality: My daughter is perfect for me.

I stopped homeschooling my 6 year old

Reality: We enrolled our 6 year old in a public school for 1st grade. We homeshooled in another state for kindergarten and it was wonderful. He thrived, I learned, I wouldn't do anything differently and never regretted the decision. We moved 1200 miles from the home where we learned how to be a successful parent/child/teacher/student type of home, and well, everything changed. Then while talking with my sister it was brought to my attention that the public school we are assigned to is top rated, parents rave about it, and more than half the students in attendance are boundary exceptions because of it's amazing reputation. So I read, and read, and read some more. I was impressed with what I saw and went to take a tour. I was even more impressed with what I saw. I cried and prayed, and cried some more. Overwhelmed with all the information, but even more so, I was overwhelmed with all the possibilities suddenly available for my freakishly intelligent 6 year old. My husband and I discussed it with our son and with each other and decided to give it a shot. Worst case scenario, we all hate it and we pull him out and home-school like we had intended to begin with.

Mom Brain: NOOOOOOOOOO. How can I compete with a school like that? How can I possibly claim to be able to provide him with those same experiences? I can teach him the curriculum, I can educate him, I can teach him all he should know. But I can't replace the experience of him going to school. 

Reality: This could be bad. I could regret this decision. This could be amazing. This could be the best choice we could have possibly made for our boy.  We won't know until we try. And that's what life is all about. We are here to experience the world. We've experienced the benefits of homeschooling, and now we are ready and curious to experience what a public school has in store for our family.

Mom Brain: Everyone is judging me. Everyone will assume our first attempt at home-school was an epic failure. They will assume I'm weak and lazy and couldn't handle having 3 kids at home and homeschooling. They will huff at my attempt to educate my own child and think I'm dumb for ever thinking I was capable of such a daunting task. They will view me as "one of those moms" the kind who get super excited and into something and shout from the rooftops "THIS IS AWESOME" like some pyramid scheme business and when the high wears off you're left defeated and exhausted thinking "I hope people forget I ever did this."

Reality: We were successful homeschoolers. I don't need to brag about how intelligent my child is. Because, this whole thing is between him and I. He was placed in my care by a Heavenly Father who trusts me to take care of him, and I am capable of doing just that. Through whatever means I feel are right, at any given moment. And right now, today, we feel that giving this public school a chance is what is right. Maybe we'll love it. Maybe we'll hate it. But we won't have a true opinion until we try it. Life would have been rough homeschooling a 6 year old with a 3 year old and an 8 month old at home all day.  I would have been successful at it. This choice is not a cop out, or an easy way to escape a daunting task. This choice is simply that, a choice. 

Mom Brain: I make wise, educated decisions for my family.

Reality: I make wise, educated decisions for my family.

Judging ourselves can be one of the most damaging things we do in our lives.  It's bad enough that the world judges us. It's true, we can't deny it. We judge people at Walmart. We judge other parents we see for the choices they make for their children. We judge people's choices of food, We judge people's hair and clothing and habits. We judge music. We judge political stances. We judge cars. We judge houses.  We are a judgmental bunch! But the only judgments you can control, are your own. You can open your mind and heart and stop judging, even if it means...stop judging yourself.