Those Eyes

Sometimes I like to lie in my own bed in the middle of the day to gain my composure. I say a little prayer for stength and patience. I pray for forgivness for my moments of anger and frustration set off by a plethora of tiny things that weren't anyone's "fault".

I seek inspriration, I dig within myself to find courage and the kindness that was diluted by the spilt milk at breakfast, and the screams of annoyance in the car.
I remind myself that despite what my 3 year old tells me, it is indeed not the end of the world that I forgot the wipes and his hands had to remain sticky until we got home.
It was not poor parenting, or horrible life choices that led to my 6 year old not undertanding taxes and arguing why $6.00 would not be sufficeint for his $5.99 book fair purchase.
It was not a sign of my shortcomings that my 18 month old felt the need to squish her banana ALL.OVER.THE TABLE.
It was not my weakness that led to me discovering the very last wipe and the very last diaper while changing a poppy diaper.
It was not a lack of education that caused my 6 year old to run out of the "right kind" of underwear this morning.
I am not a horrible Mother because I told my son I didn't want to tie his shoes and begged him to get flip flops on as we rushed out the door.
I am not worthless because I ran out of laundry detergent and forgot to get more at the store, again.
I am not lazy because I chose to leave the mess in the office, in order to work on an Etsy order.
I am not ugly because my hair is the leftovers of yesterday.
I am not mean because I yelled at everyone to "STOP RUNNING IN MY KITCHEN!" and to "STOP JUMPING ON MY COUCH!"

I am human.

And just as my small children are slowly and gradually learning how to deal with their frustrations and emotions, I too am still working out how to manage this life I live. Everyday. Everyday is new and different and filled with new challenges.
Everyday is full of "opportunities for growth".

So as I sit in my room alone, ignoring the baby who is happily playing with my necklaces, listening to the distant argument of my boys over how to properly participate in a 3 legged race (and from what I can tell they have indeed tied themselves together!), I am filled with 2 things sorrow, and gratitude. I am sorry for my moments of weakness, and grateful that despite the fact that I feel like a horrible, rotten, good for nothing Mother, the looks in my children's eyes are enough to remind me that I am enough. Those eyes full of love and compassion, tenderness and forgivness, those eyes full of joy and love.  Where did they learn to be such humans? Where did all of this goodness come from? And then I See. In those eyes are distinct characterists of Christ, and if He Lives in them, then He Lives in me. For I am theirs, and they are mine. I am not a bad Mom, I've just had a bad day. And these spirits that I have been blessed with have reminded me of all the good I must have inside of me.

I am enough, beacuse they are certainly enough. They are children of God, just as I am.

Books!

Reading often changes my life, in dramatic ways. Sometimes it's a simple statement. Sometimes it's a huge profound "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"

Reading has become a passion of mine. I haven't always enjoyed it, I haven't always seen a need, or had a desire to sit down with a book. But when we moved to Kansas 5 years ago, and I found myself without very many friends in a new town, I found lots of moments at home with small children that I was lonely. I began to read. I began to fill my day with the stories of others. Eventually I made new friends and my days began to fill with people and places and jobs and chores and a huge array of things that took time away from books.  But the joy I found in being lost in a book never went away. 

I love reading the fantasy genre, I love the stories that could never "really" happen, Harry Potter will always be in my top ten of favorites, probably until the day I die! I enjoy books that teach bigger lessons, that take you through a struggle, and teach you how to overcome them. The Hunger Games, although slightly depressing, teaches lessons of courage, strength, sacrifice for those you love. The Night Circus is filled with passionate magic that keeps you wanting to come back for more. A Song of Ice and Fire is filled with Kings, knights, dragons, war, betrayal, honor, an array of characters you love, who mostly all die, however. But it is entertaining and reminds me that I am grateful for my life here in 2015 when my biggest concern is money and raising my children right! I have also read a variety of Self-Help type books, mostly parenting books that remind me that I am not, in fact, screwing up my children as much as I feared. I find comfort in hearing others advice and having that feeling of "Phew! I'm already doing that!" 

Sometimes books are an escape from reality, sometimes they are just a good story to read. Often books keep me grounded on the things that actually matter. Sometimes books help me feel confident, brave, and excited about life. Sometimes they feel like a chore, because I HATE starting a book and not finishing it, even if it's lacking the ability to make me WANT to read it. I think there have only been 2 or 3 that I stopped reading out of boredom or lack of connection to the characters or story. I rarely pick up a book that hasn't been recommended to me and therefore always have a deeper desire to finish said book because I take book recommendations seriously and trust my fellow book lovers! 

In the end, I love reading. It is a passion I want to instill in my children and encourage my husband to find a good book as well. His ADD and Dyslexia make it difficult for him to enjoy reading, although he still has the desire to read, and has started LOTS of books, but then.....oooo shiney. He has found a love for audio books! Which I also love!

I don't always have time to sit with my nose in a book! But some headphones while I do chores can help me feel like I am not missing out of the important or entertaining words of others! If it's good enough for the kids I will often but an audio book on the surround sound and we'll listen to stories while we go about our day.

I have a new love for children's books that come with a CD that reads the story to you. I pop it in and the kids think it's awesome, It helps cut out some screen time and instead of using TV as a babysitter so I can shower and get ready, I turn on a book, hand them the real book and they'll listen and follow along with the story over and over! 

My point is this.
Go read a book!
You won't regret it.

I've never met someone, and lost respect for them when I hear them say "I love reading". Generally speaking, most people who read are respectable people! 

Go on, make yourself better, pick up a book.
I dare you.

Me Time

I listened to an Audio Book Last night about what successful people do before the rest of the world is awake. It talked about things like, exercise, reading, writing in journals, basically starting your day with "Me Time" before the kids are awake, before the work must begin, before your day becomes so full of "Have To's" that you loose time for the "Want To's". I fell asleep with a new urgency for a full night sleep and an early wake up time to find some "Me Time" before anyone else was awake.

And then reality hit.

1:13 AM:
My 3 year old is in my bed "Mom, I want to lay with you"
Me: "No Buddy, go back to bed"
"Please Mom, I just want to lay with you"
"No Baby, go get your blankie"
"I CAN'T! It's covered in throw up!"
"What?!" Rise to go see if this horrible news is true. Walk through the living room. Find throw up. With my foot.

A Bed on the floor, a bowl for throw up, me on the couch because he begged, and I knew the throwing up wasn't over. He finally emptied his tummy around 2:30 and fell asleep. But I couldn't.

I lie awake worrying, is it the flu? We had the flu a few weeks ago, he almost ended up in the hospital.
I lie awake praying, "Please don't let him be sick again, I can't bare to watch him go through it again"
I lie awake listening to the wind. Wondering if someone is breaking in my house! Only to finally find the courage to look outside and see the wind, is in fact the cause of all the commotion.
I lie awake thinking about all I must do today. The chores, the phone calls, making little To Do Lists in my mind of the "Have To's" and the "Want To's".
I lie awake thinking about all the names I found yesterday while doing Family History. Thinking of where else I can search for William F Singleton and Rachel Parsley that won't lead me to a dead end.
I lie awake.
I lie awake.
I lie awake.

6:00AM My husband comes in, kisses my face and tell me he's going to hike the mountain by our house. I should get up too, I want to get up too. But I'm exhausted.
6:30 My husband, bright-eyed and bushy tailed after his morning jaunt up a hill pulls me off the couch. "Time to wake up Sweetie" I stand, saddened at my loss of my morning. Exhausted.

I look around at the freshly scrubbed spots on the floor where I made sure to clean up every last bit of stomach contents. I look at my sleeping boy on the floor. I look at the kitchen I ensured was clean before I went to bed. And I realize, I still got my Me Time. I just took it at a different time than I had planned. But I still have a few moments. So I write, because that was my true "Want To" of the morning.

For now the Have To's must begin. But I found the time, before the world is awake.

And I love it.

I am grateful for this day.
I am grateful for this life.