Those Eyes

Sometimes I like to lie in my own bed in the middle of the day to gain my composure. I say a little prayer for stength and patience. I pray for forgivness for my moments of anger and frustration set off by a plethora of tiny things that weren't anyone's "fault".

I seek inspriration, I dig within myself to find courage and the kindness that was diluted by the spilt milk at breakfast, and the screams of annoyance in the car.
I remind myself that despite what my 3 year old tells me, it is indeed not the end of the world that I forgot the wipes and his hands had to remain sticky until we got home.
It was not poor parenting, or horrible life choices that led to my 6 year old not undertanding taxes and arguing why $6.00 would not be sufficeint for his $5.99 book fair purchase.
It was not a sign of my shortcomings that my 18 month old felt the need to squish her banana ALL.OVER.THE TABLE.
It was not my weakness that led to me discovering the very last wipe and the very last diaper while changing a poppy diaper.
It was not a lack of education that caused my 6 year old to run out of the "right kind" of underwear this morning.
I am not a horrible Mother because I told my son I didn't want to tie his shoes and begged him to get flip flops on as we rushed out the door.
I am not worthless because I ran out of laundry detergent and forgot to get more at the store, again.
I am not lazy because I chose to leave the mess in the office, in order to work on an Etsy order.
I am not ugly because my hair is the leftovers of yesterday.
I am not mean because I yelled at everyone to "STOP RUNNING IN MY KITCHEN!" and to "STOP JUMPING ON MY COUCH!"

I am human.

And just as my small children are slowly and gradually learning how to deal with their frustrations and emotions, I too am still working out how to manage this life I live. Everyday. Everyday is new and different and filled with new challenges.
Everyday is full of "opportunities for growth".

So as I sit in my room alone, ignoring the baby who is happily playing with my necklaces, listening to the distant argument of my boys over how to properly participate in a 3 legged race (and from what I can tell they have indeed tied themselves together!), I am filled with 2 things sorrow, and gratitude. I am sorry for my moments of weakness, and grateful that despite the fact that I feel like a horrible, rotten, good for nothing Mother, the looks in my children's eyes are enough to remind me that I am enough. Those eyes full of love and compassion, tenderness and forgivness, those eyes full of joy and love.  Where did they learn to be such humans? Where did all of this goodness come from? And then I See. In those eyes are distinct characterists of Christ, and if He Lives in them, then He Lives in me. For I am theirs, and they are mine. I am not a bad Mom, I've just had a bad day. And these spirits that I have been blessed with have reminded me of all the good I must have inside of me.

I am enough, beacuse they are certainly enough. They are children of God, just as I am.

Books!

Reading often changes my life, in dramatic ways. Sometimes it's a simple statement. Sometimes it's a huge profound "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"

Reading has become a passion of mine. I haven't always enjoyed it, I haven't always seen a need, or had a desire to sit down with a book. But when we moved to Kansas 5 years ago, and I found myself without very many friends in a new town, I found lots of moments at home with small children that I was lonely. I began to read. I began to fill my day with the stories of others. Eventually I made new friends and my days began to fill with people and places and jobs and chores and a huge array of things that took time away from books.  But the joy I found in being lost in a book never went away. 

I love reading the fantasy genre, I love the stories that could never "really" happen, Harry Potter will always be in my top ten of favorites, probably until the day I die! I enjoy books that teach bigger lessons, that take you through a struggle, and teach you how to overcome them. The Hunger Games, although slightly depressing, teaches lessons of courage, strength, sacrifice for those you love. The Night Circus is filled with passionate magic that keeps you wanting to come back for more. A Song of Ice and Fire is filled with Kings, knights, dragons, war, betrayal, honor, an array of characters you love, who mostly all die, however. But it is entertaining and reminds me that I am grateful for my life here in 2015 when my biggest concern is money and raising my children right! I have also read a variety of Self-Help type books, mostly parenting books that remind me that I am not, in fact, screwing up my children as much as I feared. I find comfort in hearing others advice and having that feeling of "Phew! I'm already doing that!" 

Sometimes books are an escape from reality, sometimes they are just a good story to read. Often books keep me grounded on the things that actually matter. Sometimes books help me feel confident, brave, and excited about life. Sometimes they feel like a chore, because I HATE starting a book and not finishing it, even if it's lacking the ability to make me WANT to read it. I think there have only been 2 or 3 that I stopped reading out of boredom or lack of connection to the characters or story. I rarely pick up a book that hasn't been recommended to me and therefore always have a deeper desire to finish said book because I take book recommendations seriously and trust my fellow book lovers! 

In the end, I love reading. It is a passion I want to instill in my children and encourage my husband to find a good book as well. His ADD and Dyslexia make it difficult for him to enjoy reading, although he still has the desire to read, and has started LOTS of books, but then.....oooo shiney. He has found a love for audio books! Which I also love!

I don't always have time to sit with my nose in a book! But some headphones while I do chores can help me feel like I am not missing out of the important or entertaining words of others! If it's good enough for the kids I will often but an audio book on the surround sound and we'll listen to stories while we go about our day.

I have a new love for children's books that come with a CD that reads the story to you. I pop it in and the kids think it's awesome, It helps cut out some screen time and instead of using TV as a babysitter so I can shower and get ready, I turn on a book, hand them the real book and they'll listen and follow along with the story over and over! 

My point is this.
Go read a book!
You won't regret it.

I've never met someone, and lost respect for them when I hear them say "I love reading". Generally speaking, most people who read are respectable people! 

Go on, make yourself better, pick up a book.
I dare you.

Me Time

I listened to an Audio Book Last night about what successful people do before the rest of the world is awake. It talked about things like, exercise, reading, writing in journals, basically starting your day with "Me Time" before the kids are awake, before the work must begin, before your day becomes so full of "Have To's" that you loose time for the "Want To's". I fell asleep with a new urgency for a full night sleep and an early wake up time to find some "Me Time" before anyone else was awake.

And then reality hit.

1:13 AM:
My 3 year old is in my bed "Mom, I want to lay with you"
Me: "No Buddy, go back to bed"
"Please Mom, I just want to lay with you"
"No Baby, go get your blankie"
"I CAN'T! It's covered in throw up!"
"What?!" Rise to go see if this horrible news is true. Walk through the living room. Find throw up. With my foot.

A Bed on the floor, a bowl for throw up, me on the couch because he begged, and I knew the throwing up wasn't over. He finally emptied his tummy around 2:30 and fell asleep. But I couldn't.

I lie awake worrying, is it the flu? We had the flu a few weeks ago, he almost ended up in the hospital.
I lie awake praying, "Please don't let him be sick again, I can't bare to watch him go through it again"
I lie awake listening to the wind. Wondering if someone is breaking in my house! Only to finally find the courage to look outside and see the wind, is in fact the cause of all the commotion.
I lie awake thinking about all I must do today. The chores, the phone calls, making little To Do Lists in my mind of the "Have To's" and the "Want To's".
I lie awake thinking about all the names I found yesterday while doing Family History. Thinking of where else I can search for William F Singleton and Rachel Parsley that won't lead me to a dead end.
I lie awake.
I lie awake.
I lie awake.

6:00AM My husband comes in, kisses my face and tell me he's going to hike the mountain by our house. I should get up too, I want to get up too. But I'm exhausted.
6:30 My husband, bright-eyed and bushy tailed after his morning jaunt up a hill pulls me off the couch. "Time to wake up Sweetie" I stand, saddened at my loss of my morning. Exhausted.

I look around at the freshly scrubbed spots on the floor where I made sure to clean up every last bit of stomach contents. I look at my sleeping boy on the floor. I look at the kitchen I ensured was clean before I went to bed. And I realize, I still got my Me Time. I just took it at a different time than I had planned. But I still have a few moments. So I write, because that was my true "Want To" of the morning.

For now the Have To's must begin. But I found the time, before the world is awake.

And I love it.

I am grateful for this day.
I am grateful for this life.

I'm not you, and you're not me...shocking, I know!

I've been annoyed lately, REALLY annoyed lately. With women. Specifically mothers. People I call friends (no, not you...calm down...other 'friends'). People I have chosen to follow on social media, talk to at church, swap advice and stories with, and I've realized...
being a mom is exhausting. 
But the exhaustion is 20% my own children and 80% other mothers and their words. 
Their opinions, mostly their opinions about  their own children, the well behaved, the obnoxious, the perfect sleepers, the picky eaters, the vaccinated, the non-vaccinated, the walkers, crawlers, potty trained, those in denial about what potty training actually means, the bottle addicts, the binki addicts, the blankie addicts, the carefree, the veggie lovers, the tan food only eaters, the vegans, the allergy nerds, the soccer enthusiasts, the monkey ability climbers, the book worms, the screamers, the musicians, the readers, the math wizards, the learning disabled, the speech delayed, the newborns, the toddlers, the preschoolers, the elementary-ers, the middle schoolers, the junior highers, the highschoolers, the homeschoolers, you get my point every mother, everywhere, including myself, is annoyingly obsessed with their children.
So where's the problem I'm facing?
My issue as of late, is the need for these women, and myself, to tell one another how and why their way and their children and their lives and their marriages are the right way.

I'll admit I'm guilty of this too.

I do my best to keep my mouth shut because I HATE confrontation. I have my own beliefs and ideologies, and enough nieces and nephews that I've watched and learned how I like things, how I want things, and I've been reminded lately, why I generally only tell my husband, exactly what I think. 

(Mostly because I happened to have found the coolest husband ever who lets my rant and be pissed at the world and yell and scream and throw my tantrums, and when I've calmed down then pats me on the head, tells me I'm pretty and let's me get on with my day without making me feel like my thoughts and feelings are non important, yet reminding me that I'm cute when I'm irrational)

The past week alone, I have encountered an array of controversial topics that I have refrained from commenting on because I get so annoyed with people! And I choose to like people, most of the time. But after a chat with a close friend I've realized I'm not alone in my anxieties, worries, and annoyances.

Moms can be mean!! They get all defensive and snippy. They give off vibes of "I know best, I have more kids, I have older kids, I've been married longer, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AND YOU DON'T!" It's a little overwhelming sometimes!

I feel like I can't be myself out loud, because someone is going to try and tell me why I'm wrong, how I'm screwing up, how I should change. So this is for you, friend, to reassure you as you listen day in and day out to the opinions of other mothers, who make you feel like you've screwed up, like you are currently screwing up, like you are going to screw up, and that you will never be a great mom.....I'm hear to tell you that you just need to shake it off, as Joey from Friends would say their opinions are "a Moo point....It's like a cows opinion, it doesn't matter. It's Moo."

We are all entitled to our opinions, and I suppose if we are trying to start a revolution, those opinions need to be shared and debated, but Moms, our job is not to start a revolution about any of the following topics

Diaper brands: including cloth, name brand, off brand, or going all natural like they do in some other countries etc
Breastfeeding: including choosing to, or not to, ones ability to or not to, ones opinion on doing it in public or not to etc
Potty training: including ages, techniques, styles, motivations etc
Bed wetting: including ages, training pants, diapers, medication etc.
Sippy cups: including age appropriateness, what's inside said sippy cup, brand of said sippy cup etc.
Appropriate ages for learning any skill; including sitting up, rolling over, walking, crawling, climbing, jumping, talking, sleeping through the night, writing, reading, graduating high school, driving, etc
Natural ability/talent; Including all skills listed above, music, art, math, sports etc
Vaccinations: Including ones decision to or not to, ones reasoning behind chosen to or not to, the schedule in which one chooses to or not to etc
Pregnancy: including birth control methods, or lack thereof, an unsuccessful pregnancy either due to poor choices, medical malpractice, bodies not functioning the way they should etc
And many others including but not limited to:
weight loss after pregnancy
dietary needs
diaper rash
homeschooling
public schooling
clothing brands
workout routines
processed foods
home cleanliness
vehicle status
painted nails
hair color
body piercings
gender 
baby names
marital status
spouses
etc etc etc


I feel strongly about a lot of things, and one of those things is this:

I am a woman, a daughter of God, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend. I am not here to start wars. I am not here to argue points. I am not here to debate or discuss, or win or lose.
I am here to love.
If you want my opinions on said topics I'll give them to you, but only if you ask nicely. Because I have one job at this point in my life and it's to lead my children down the road of life the way I believe they should be lead. I will lead them towards righteousness, I will lead them towards empathy, towards compassion, towards honesty, towards forgiveness, towards happiness, towards God. Isn't that what we're trying to do, our little ban of mom's. Aren't we all just trying to raise children, who will be better, and kinder, and smarter, and more capable than ourselves?

So form your opinions, and do it strongly, with conviction. Know what you believe and why you believe it, and then... Keep your mouth shut and live. Show me with your actions, with your successes, why I should want to be like you. It's a complicated, competitive world and we moms have to be on the same team, for our children's sake, for the sake of our sanity!  So, the next time you want to say something rude, or judgmental about someone, instead, keep your mouth shut. Find something about that "Other Mother" to compliment, or admire and go about minding your own business living as an example, a HUMBLE example mind you. And show your children that it's ok to disagree and be different, but it's NOT ok to be cruel. You are not a better Mother than me, nor am I a better Mother than you, we are simply different woman, raising different children.

Shocking News: Married with 3 children and still dating...My Husband!

A recent post that popped up on Facebook has disturbed me.  

THIS POST  Titled "Couple's 10-Year Anniversary Photo Captures What Romance Looks Like When You're Parents" The post was a picture of a couple with 3 children gone wild around them, both parents faces hold looks of exhaustion and defeat while the children seem to be "ruling the roost".

Now, this post itself is not what has caused my sudden desire to write, this was obviously a funny take on an anniversary in the midst of parenthood. I took it as a joke. My disturbance was triggered by the "Likes", "Shares" and "Comments" left by those who completely agreed that this was an appropriate representation of what romance looks like 10 years in to marriage with children.

This post is to those who viewed this as accurate, and those who feared this was accurate and felt more justification in their decision to never wed and/or reproduce!

I beg of you, pay attention! I have been married for almost 8 years, I have 3 children ages 6 and under. And I would like you to know, it's possible to still function as attractive, happy, adults who have adult conversations, have adult outings, shower, put on make up, dress nice, and come home to a house full of children without having a nervous breakdown on a daily basis. How you may ask? Brace yourself....

DATE YOUR SPOUSE!

It's as if this phrase causes fear, anxiety, and eye rolling any time it's brought up. I don't know about you, but I married a man I was dating. We enjoyed dating SO much that we thought, hey, we should make this dating thing more permanent! SO permanent in fact that we live together, eat together, share a closet, pee in the same toilet, use the same dishes, pass out in the same bed, wake up together and do all those things over and over and over again for the rest of our time on this giant ball of land mass we call earth.

Fast forward to the present.  All those things happen, in a bit more of a chaotic environment, and with more little people at our feet, but they happen.  The difference in our pre children life and our post children life in just that, CHILDREN.

Having children should not be a phase in life in which your relationship gets put on hold for 18-28 years until your children grow up and move out! Having children will undoubtedly make you grumpier, more tired, your house harder to clean, laundry impossible to keep up with, trash pile up and need to be taken out every.single.day. But it should not alter your relationship away from the bliss that it was on your wedding day. 

The choice however, must be made, and made daily, to date your spouse.

What does dating entail? Here are a few tips to ensure you don't forget how to date.

*Work For Them I don't mean actually be their employee! I mean work, to take care of them. Stay at homers, clean the house, do the laundry, there is a lot of work to be done at home..so do it! Out of Homers, Take pride in your job, do it honestly, responsibly and with the knowledge that your family depends on you. You must spend time apart so you can miss each other and long to be together, and you also need money, because we live in America and nothing is free!

*Impress Them It's easy to get caught up in the Mom life and put yourself on the back burner.  But just as you longed to impress your significant other all those years ago, seek new ways to impress them today.  Do your hair, iron your shirt, wash your shoes, change up your make up or put some on! Don't be annoyed if the other doesn't notice, but simply take pride in yourself. Feeling attractive is the 1st step to helping others view you as attractive.

*Notice Them It's easy to get caught up in our own crazy days and stressful circumstances and 3 year old tantrums and traffic jams. It takes a lot of self control to swallow our daily troubles and say "How was your day? Your hair looks nice. The house looks tidy. You look beautiful. You look handsome. I love when your hair is freshly cut. Your face looks nice with a goatee. I like when you wear those earrings...You get the point. And also, the best way to receive a compliment is to give one!

*Serve Them This is my biggest advice! Your husband walks in, he's been at work all day, you've been working non stop at home, you're both exhausted, you both need a time out from the day. This is the moment you've both been waiting for. relief. He seeks it from you, you seek it from him. And this moment will make or break your entire evening. 
Husband gets annoyed that you hand him the baby and walk into the bedroom and shut the door. fail. 
Wife gets annoyed that husbands bypasses kids and heads straight to the kitchen for a snack and starts making a mess. fail.
Husband walks in, heads straight for wife. They kiss, they ignore the world and the house and the children and for 10 seconds they just hold one another and stand lip locked, soaking in one another. giving each other a tiny boost of energy to tackle that chaos that's sure to commence as soon as their lips separate. They step back and examine each other. and then, they choose to serve.
Wife-"You look tired, go hide in the bathroom for a few minutes and I'll find you a snack"
Husband-"Thanks" (escapes to bathroom, hangs up the towel on the floor and tosses his dirty underwear towards the laundry basket) Heads Back to wife. "Thanks Sweetie, the house seems to have exploded. You can go hide for a minute, I'll find a kid to put up the dishes"
Wife, Smiles (falls in love again..escapes to pee, finally!). Success

*Be Alone Together I will hear no excuses of lack of sitters or money. Add it to your budget, find friends, neighbors, coworkers, family, whoever, to trade with, hire, bribe whatever it takes. Post bedtime picnics in the living room are fine sometimes. But even if it's middle of the day Saturday shopping trips together, leave the house, without children. Pinterest has a whole plethora of dating ideas and I KNOW you know how to work Pinterest! 


Make it happen. Put your marriage on top of your priority list and stop pretending its ok to not date your spouse!

Judging myself

I stopped nursing my baby and stopped homeschooling my son...the hippie inside of me just died a little.

I stopped nursing my 8 month old.

Reality: My 8 month started biting me! I'm talking blood people! So I attempted to pump instead of nurse, only to discover the sad truth that my milk supply was diminishing, which explains the biting...she probably thought "I probably just need to chew this to get more!" I tried my best, I ate a well balanced diet, drank tons of water, drank my Mother's Milk Tea, and yet my body just stopped producing milk.

Mom Brain: I'm a horrible person, If I was a better mom or a stronger person I would have been able to produce enough milk to feed a village and my baby would never have to survive on the nasty excuse for food known as formula. I'm failing. My heart and body are broken and I wasn't ready for this awful reality that I can no longer provide for my perfect little girl.

Reality: I truly did do my best, I'm proud of how long I was able to nurse, I stuck with it and my baby got the best start to life I could have possibly provided for her. She is healthy and happy and everyone I talk to agrees, I did everything I could have done, it's just time to be done. Formula is what she needs, unless I want to hire a wet nurse (and don't think I didn't actually consider the option!) , this is what is best for her now and there is no shame. It's normal to feel sad when you stop nursing a baby, you want that tiny person to stay tiny forever, and the fact that they don't never gets any easier. Because, well, you're a mom. You're hardwired to give everything you have to give to these tiny, helpless creatures we have named "children".

Mom Brain: Everyone is judging me. Everyone will think I've chosen this path. They will all assume they know me and my struggles and label me as weak or lazy. I will have to explain my situation every time someone brings it up because I'm vain and insecure and can't stand the thought of someone thinking unkind, and untrue things about me. 

Reality: This is between my baby and I. Others can think what they want and say what they will. But this whole thing is between my 8 month old and I. I had a heart to heart with her.  She stared at me as she sucked down a bottle filling her belly to the max for probably the first time in weeks; I told her the truth. I told her I loved her and that I tried my best. I told her I was so sad I couldn't nurse her anymore but that I was still perfectly capable of providing for her and that she would never starve. She listened, and stared with her all knowing, wise, beautiful eyes, twirled my hair in her tiny fingers, and forgave me. 

Mom Brain: My daughter is perfect.

Reality: My daughter is perfect for me.

I stopped homeschooling my 6 year old

Reality: We enrolled our 6 year old in a public school for 1st grade. We homeshooled in another state for kindergarten and it was wonderful. He thrived, I learned, I wouldn't do anything differently and never regretted the decision. We moved 1200 miles from the home where we learned how to be a successful parent/child/teacher/student type of home, and well, everything changed. Then while talking with my sister it was brought to my attention that the public school we are assigned to is top rated, parents rave about it, and more than half the students in attendance are boundary exceptions because of it's amazing reputation. So I read, and read, and read some more. I was impressed with what I saw and went to take a tour. I was even more impressed with what I saw. I cried and prayed, and cried some more. Overwhelmed with all the information, but even more so, I was overwhelmed with all the possibilities suddenly available for my freakishly intelligent 6 year old. My husband and I discussed it with our son and with each other and decided to give it a shot. Worst case scenario, we all hate it and we pull him out and home-school like we had intended to begin with.

Mom Brain: NOOOOOOOOOO. How can I compete with a school like that? How can I possibly claim to be able to provide him with those same experiences? I can teach him the curriculum, I can educate him, I can teach him all he should know. But I can't replace the experience of him going to school. 

Reality: This could be bad. I could regret this decision. This could be amazing. This could be the best choice we could have possibly made for our boy.  We won't know until we try. And that's what life is all about. We are here to experience the world. We've experienced the benefits of homeschooling, and now we are ready and curious to experience what a public school has in store for our family.

Mom Brain: Everyone is judging me. Everyone will assume our first attempt at home-school was an epic failure. They will assume I'm weak and lazy and couldn't handle having 3 kids at home and homeschooling. They will huff at my attempt to educate my own child and think I'm dumb for ever thinking I was capable of such a daunting task. They will view me as "one of those moms" the kind who get super excited and into something and shout from the rooftops "THIS IS AWESOME" like some pyramid scheme business and when the high wears off you're left defeated and exhausted thinking "I hope people forget I ever did this."

Reality: We were successful homeschoolers. I don't need to brag about how intelligent my child is. Because, this whole thing is between him and I. He was placed in my care by a Heavenly Father who trusts me to take care of him, and I am capable of doing just that. Through whatever means I feel are right, at any given moment. And right now, today, we feel that giving this public school a chance is what is right. Maybe we'll love it. Maybe we'll hate it. But we won't have a true opinion until we try it. Life would have been rough homeschooling a 6 year old with a 3 year old and an 8 month old at home all day.  I would have been successful at it. This choice is not a cop out, or an easy way to escape a daunting task. This choice is simply that, a choice. 

Mom Brain: I make wise, educated decisions for my family.

Reality: I make wise, educated decisions for my family.

Judging ourselves can be one of the most damaging things we do in our lives.  It's bad enough that the world judges us. It's true, we can't deny it. We judge people at Walmart. We judge other parents we see for the choices they make for their children. We judge people's choices of food, We judge people's hair and clothing and habits. We judge music. We judge political stances. We judge cars. We judge houses.  We are a judgmental bunch! But the only judgments you can control, are your own. You can open your mind and heart and stop judging, even if it means...stop judging yourself.